So, there is one thing in my life that is very unhealthy and yet I have not addressed it– I am a smoker. I’ve been smoking regularly since I was 19 years old, which means I’ve been smoking for more than half my life, or 35 years. It’s become a part of my identity and in many ways, it has also become a crutch for handling anxiety and uncomfortable situations. It is not just a habit for me, but also a coping mechanism. However, I know that it is also hurting me with every single inhalation.

I started smoking for what might be the stupidest reason in the world. I was dating my first husband, and he was a smoker. My friend was dating his brother, and one night she and I were talking about our relationships, and I mentioned that I didn’t really like the “ashtray” taste when kissing my boyfriend. She laughed and said, “Girl just start smoking and you won’t even notice it.” So, I did. Crazy right?

Smoking became something to help me in social situations as it gave me something to do with my hands. If I was uncomfortable in a situation, it was a perfect excuse to step away and be alone for a few minutes to get my head together. It was a distraction from my thoughts, fears, and insecurities.

When Micheal was in hospice care, the days were often so long, but it was also a blessing to have those days together, and I cherished (and still do) every moment. However, it was also hard. I hated to leave him, but I would count down the minutes until I could sneak outside to smoke. I didn’t have to put on a brave face, I didn’t have to be his protector, I didn’t have to do anything but inhale and be. I could escape the reality of what was happening in that room for just a few minutes.

The irony is that he was fighting to live, and I was outside actively killing myself.

Cigarette smoking and tobacco use is among the highest in the US in Central Appalachia (Horn et al., 2022). According to a study by Cardarelli et al. (2021), while smoking rates across the United States are declining, smoking remains challenging in Central Appalachia, which also faces disparities in the funding of education, as well as tobacco control policies that the rest of the nation has benefited from.

Knowing the effects of smoking has never stopped me. I guess if I’m being honest, I didn’t really care about my health at all. I ate what I wanted and smoked because it felt good, and it helped me to escape my feelings. That’s not an excuse, but it is my truth and I want to be honest—with each of you and myself. Today, I’m done making excuses. Today, I want to live a long and healthy life. Today, I’m ready to face my emotions and learn healthy coping skills.

As I work towards living well, I want to share what is working for me. Therapy and writing have been imperative in my journey towards wellness. Feeling healthy is so affirming. It took me nearly 55 years to believe that I am worthy of taking care of myself, and while I can’t say that I will quit today, I can say that I now know I need to quit, and that it is an issue that I must address.

Dr. Yost has been amazing on my wellness journey, and I can’t believe how lucky I am to have such a caring and compassionate primary care provider. He gently brings up the smoking at all appointments and at my last appointment, I made a commitment to myself and to him that after December 29th, the one-year anniversary of Michael’s death, that I would try. He has been supportive, but also holds me accountable. I appreciate that more than he will ever know.

So, there you have it. My worst, in my opinion, habit. Today, I made a commitment to myself and to you that I will quit smoking. This journey is about becoming the very best version of myself possible and LIVING well. Today is the only day we are promised, and I will live every day for me and for Michael.

Speaking of accountability, the scale is still moving in the right direction! My current weight is 207 and this is the smallest I’ve been in decades. It feels crazy to think that in a few short weeks I’ll be in “Onederland!”