I won’t be sharing an update from my weigh in this week, as I saw Dr. Yost on Tuesday and sadly, my weight was no different than it was the previous week. I’ll be back next week with a weight update though, so stay tuned for that! My appointment with Dr. Yost was a general follow-up and we discussed some of my procedures including test results from my pap smear and colonoscopy—both came back normal! I’m thankful that after having neglected myself for decades, my body is hanging in there. Cue the movie quote, “There is still life in the old lady yet!” (Anne Rice fans, if you know you know).

This week, I’m really thinking about body image—specifically how I view myself. I’ve been trying very hard to focus on wellness, not weight, and I think this is something many of us struggle with. I’ve tried to focus on improvements in my health and not my appearance, but it is hard. I started gaining weight in early adolescence. Looking back, I think there were multiple factors to my weight gain.

According to the Appalachian Regional Commission, Obesity is a contributing factor in the higher rates of premature mortality in the Appalachia region (Appalachian Regional Commission, 2019). A study by Smith et al. (2018), showed that adolescents in Appalachia were extremely obese (13.1%) which is double the national adolescent rate, and 29% of males and 55% of females were considered to have and increased risk for cardiovascular issues.

As a survivor of child sexual abuse, and having grown up in a very religious household, I had multiple issues with feeling as if I was bad, or not good enough which I’ve dealt with in therapy over the years. Those are far too triggering and personal to go into even in this safe space, but if you have been there, then I know you will understand. If you have not, please know that it is not about the food or lack thereof. It is about how the person feels about themselves, their body, and how they cope with trauma.

So today, as I look in the mirror, I don’t see a huge change. I know that my clothing size has changed. I know I feel better. I know I have more energy. But when I look in the mirror, I still see the same me. So much so that when out shopping I immediately picked out items about 3 sizes too big. I must stop, think, and try things on. It’s a strange experience. What does that say about my identity?

Who am I? I’ve been a wife, a mom, a daughter, a friend, a colleague, a student, etc. all while being obese. It has become a part of my identity. I don’t know what life is like, not having to think about being obese. For instance, you can’t shop in the “normal” department of the store, you have to find stores that sell plus sizes. While there are more today than there were years ago, it’s still disheartening and frustrating at times to find clothing. No matter who you are, I’m sure you have experienced or seen what it is like for an obese person to fly. Not fun. But it is so much more than those two examples. It is everything, every day.

Being morbidly obese is a full-time job. It affects every decision, every day. It affects what you wear, what you drive, where you park, where you go on vacation, what you do for fun…everything. Imagine going to a conference and being so excited about the experience only to be exhausted just from flying to get there. Once there you put on your carefully chosen wardrobe that will not be too hot, because you sweat…a lot, but are still in season. Now that you are dressed, be very careful with personal hygiene and make-up because you want to look good and smell good, but it’s hard to remain fresh when just walking makes you sweat even in the air conditioning. Now you must walk to the conference center from the hotel and find your sessions. I’m not kidding you when I say that there have been times in the past when I chose a session at one of these events based on the proximity of the session and not the topic. At the end of the day everyone else is ready to go have fun, while I was so exhausted, I just wanted to go to my room, crash, and order room service.

It feels surreal that I don’t break into a sweat these days from walking around the grocery store. It shocks me when I am not exhausted after a day full of meetings or visits. Best of all, I find myself craving physical activity. I’m not sure who this new person is and what my identity will be going forward, but this Angie is doing ok, and learning to live well. I still have so much work to do, but I know I’m on the right path and am so happy you are coming along with me.